Suspiciously believable “facts” from CTRL Alt Refuel

Rapid Charging? It’s not terribly rapid. Let’s examine the underlying physics. Research has shown that there are many ways to speed up your charging, though most of them involve buying stuff. Have a butchers at these “facts”.

In the UK, DC Charging while the car is facing due north or south can have a positive effect. Statistics show it can be as much as 16% and as little as SFA. This isn’t a quirk of cable length (though we’ll talk about cables later) or charger firmware. It is a direct consequence of the Coriolis Magnetic Disturbance caused by the Earth’s magnetic field. Boomers might recall Flemings Left Hand rule that determines the interactions of force, movement and current. Fleming was however, a furious and prodigious masturbator so it’s entirely possible he could have used his right hand if he wasn’t “busy” and the science of electrochemistry would have been completely different. He’s dead - quite dead, I’m told, so he can’t sue me.

And there’s more: I specifically mentioned the UK. It used to be thought that the Coriolis Magnetic Disturbance made the loss proportional to your longitude - the equator travels faster than the poles. London is at 51 degrees, which is just over halfway up the northern hemisphere. More recent studies have show the effect is inversely logarithmic, which means the rate of loss decreases the further north you go because electrons are locked into the rotating frame of time and relative dimension in space. Physicists have coined this the Northern Conductivity Plateau. Manchester champion glasses wearer Sir Andy Burnham insists it’s just that northern electricity is harder. Scandinavian power engineers have known about this for some time, but kept it quiet because it complicates IKEA instruction manuals.

However, the effect is partially cancelled by the Earth’s rotation. As the planet narrows towards the poles, electrons have to maintain angular momentum to keep pace (in absolute space) with their more equatorial counterparts. This gives them slightly more kinetic energy away from the equator, a phenomenon known as Centrifugal Electron Enrichment. It’s the same reason that extension leads bought in Cornwall are never quite long enough when you get them to Aberdeen.

It also explains why a headbutt in Glasgow is generally more impactful than one in Tunbridge Wells. At higher longitudes, there’s considerably more electrofugal force, allowing more momentum to pass then cranial tissue boundary. It’s why rugby internationals are rarely held on the equator. Some A&E research bears this out. Ish.

At this point, it’s worth taking a minor detour to examine the old myth that water swirls down plugholes in opposite directions between hemispheres. It’s mostly random and much more affected by how much you stunk up the bathroom. Electricity, being much lighter than soapy water, is obviously far more susceptible to planetary rotation.

Because so-called fast and slow chargers are AC, their current flows back and forth - it’s alternating. This is unaffected by Coriolis Magnetic Disturbance. DC chargers, on the other hand, push electrons in one continuos direction so as described above, there are efficiencies to be had.

AC Charging cables (I did warn you) should be chosen carefully. Curly cables are a poor choice because, as we all know, electrons travel quite fast and don’t like going around corners. A curly cable is one long corner, avoid these were possible. The colour of the cable shouldn’t be disregarded either. Lighter colours are better as they are more able to dissipate the friction of electricity passing along them. That said, having a cable the same colour as the car has been found by some academics to make for better charging. There is a risk you’ll look like a bell-end though.

Your home is at risk if you believe any of this. Objects in the rearview mirror etc etc.